Declaration of War

I think I should go a little bit into why I was inspired to write this here blog. I am a very, very stuck person. I'm not sure where I'm going or what my purpose is. I am not sure what I want. I'm not sure what I need from life, from friends, from family and from love. Some days I feel like maybe I wasn't destined for greatness, maybe just mediocrity. I wake up each day with these grand ideas of being someone new. Smarter, calmer, harder working, loving and loved. Only to sit up in bed and look and feel exactly the same With each year I am just waiting for my transformation. Maybe this birthday I'll come out of my cocoon a beautiful freaking butterfly! Delusions.

Now don't be confused that my unhappiness means I have a crappy life. I am so fortunate to have the life I have. My family loves me, my friends are always there for me. I actually am painfully single, so that part does suck. Overall it is an alright life. I am greedy though, I think it has something to do with my age. Alright just does not do it for me.

I have made the incredibly tough decision (also completely obvious) that I am not going to wait any longer for life to get its shit together. I am gonna shove those pieces in place until they have no choice but to make me happy. Some people who are older might look at my little personal declaration of war with my life and laugh. They will say life is hard, you don't get to change it, you have to play the hand you're dealt blah blah blah. I refuse to believe that fighting for my life is a waste of time. I am well aware that shit happens, it comes flying at you faster than light and normally right when its the most inconvenient. People will hurt me, leave me, jobs will suck, there will never be enough money, friends will blow me off, some dreams will die, school will chew me up and spit me out, boys will probably do the same, sometimes I will feel so confused and beaten. Who cares! I am not saying it will be easy. I dug this rut that I am in and you can be damn sure I can get out, eventually.  

Everyday I will try to be happier with these simple steps (sarcasm)
-Cut out the people who cut me down
-Cuss out the same people for cutting me down
-Smile! why not it makes you feel good and everyone looks better smiling
-Laugh, at myself mostly because I am hilarious. It's great for abs and mind alike
-Live for the moment, buy that book, kiss that boy, make that friend today not tomorrow.
-Accept that those days when my bed feels like the only one that loves me are going to happen. I still have to break it's heart and get out though
-Spend time with the people who make me think this life is worth it.
-Find more people like that^
-Be sympathetic to others fight with life
-But don't go down on their level to try to relate. Bring them up to mine
-Add more things to this list as they come to you because life is long and more steps will need to be added always

In conclusion, I'm dealing with some shit. So this blog will become the place I share some of my little musings. Bits and pieces of my life that might feel a little better if they are written down and talked about. Don't worry the really juicy pieces will stay wrapped up in my personal journal (not a diary). I also promise to try my best to stay off the soap box I carry with me everywhere, no one wants to be preached at through a computer screen. I hope this can give you a little peek into my mindset right now. Who knows where I'll be later, but that is another days problem anyway.